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<title>Insecure by MaddieandChimney</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24319798">Insecure</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney'>MaddieandChimney</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:46:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,611</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24319798</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Based off the prompt: “I’d be fine having sex with the same person for the rest of my life, if it wasn’t the same sex every single time.”</p><p>Maddie has been made to not feel good enough for most of her life, she never expected for Chimney to make her feel that way.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Madney One-Shots</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Insecure</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’d be fine having sex with the same person for the rest of my life, if it wasn’t the same sex every single time.”</p><p>She had tried to tell herself that he was drunk. He hadn’t meant it in the way she took it. He hadn’t said it to purposely hurt her. She wasn’t even meant to hear him saying it, she had walked into the apartment they shared just in time.</p><p>Hen had been the first to notice her, quickly catching the tears in her eyes. Chimney barely looked ashamed of the words and Maddie had no idea of what context they had been in, and there were three bottles of wine in front of them so they were beyond drunk. “I’m gonna go...” His best friend announced, patting Chimney on the knee before she whispered, “Good luck.”</p><p>A quick hug was exchanged between the two women before Hen rushed out of there. “Am I boring?” She finally asked, shifting uncomfortably on the spot, looking down at her feet. “What? No! Maddie, no, you’re not boring. I didn’t mean you were boring. Or that our sex is boring. I love... having sex with you.”</p><p>“Just not the same sex every single time?” She repeated his words back to him, tears falling, as her voice cracked. “Because I’m boring.” Maybe she wasn’t as experienced or as confident as he was and his ex-girlfriends had been. He had told her some stories that had caused her cheeks to turn pink, but she had hoped the fact he loved her was enough to make it good. Now she wasn’t so sure; the self-doubt was starting to creep in. And it was only made ten times worse by the fact she was pregnant, trying to get used to the way her body was changing in a way it never had before.</p><p>He stood up, moving towards the woman who seemed to be backing further away from him and closer to the hallway. “Maddie, you misunderstood... I didn’t...” She didn’t let him finish, just shaking her head before she sighed.</p><p>“It’s fine, Chim. I get it. I’m just gonna go to bed, it’s been a long day.” She sounded exhausted, and she felt it, but mostly she was disappointed and upset. Perhaps because she had thought better of him, but also because she was suddenly embarrassed. How much did Hen know of their sex life? Had Chimney expressed dissatisfaction before?</p><p>It was only an hour later that he finally decided to follow her into the bedroom. She was resting on her side, a hand on her slight bump, gently rubbing circles, her eyes closed. She didn’t look up when she heard the door open and then close, or open her eyes when she heard him getting changed. He seemed to have sobered a little, judging by the lack of stumbling around he usually did after a few drinks.</p><p>Suddenly, the bed moved behind her, she felt his body press against hers and his hand moved over hers. “I don’t know why I said it, I love you... I love having sex with you. I’m so sorry...” He pressed his lips to her shoulder and she sighed, “I was just talking, trying to be funny... it wasn’t funny though.”</p><p>She didn’t believe him, it was engrained within her now. A lifetime of being told she wasn’t good enough and for the first time, it was Chimney who had made her feel that way. “Please...” His voice was pleading, his lips moving to her neck and then to her ear.</p><p>“I don’t want to talk to you right now, please... just stop.” One of the many things she loved about him was how he respected her boundaries and so, she was glad when he backed off, shifting away from her so they weren’t pressed together but close enough so he could still have his hand over hers.</p><p>Maddie tried not to cry, tried not to let her insecurities get the best of her but she kept repeating the words in her head, wishing she could have taken them in the funny way he said he meant it.</p><p>She couldn’t be certain how long it had taken her to fall asleep, or when Chimney had dropped his hand from hers. He had gone first, she could hear the gentle sound of him snoring - something he only did after he had been drinking - before she must have joined him.</p><p>When she woke up, he was still asleep, so she moved quietly, so not to wake him. It was different from their usual routine, she’d usually press a kiss to his forehead, run her fingers through his hair until his eyes slightly opened with a groan. And then she’d laugh, ask him if he wanted water or coffee to ease the hangover before they’d start their days. However, today, she still didn’t feel like talking to him.</p><p>With a sigh, Maddie made her way to the bathroom, only stopping when she caught her reflection in the full length mirror she had insisted they hang up in the hallway. Her eyes were red, though she couldn’t remember crying herself to sleep, her hair was a mess, she could just make out moon crescent shaped cuts on her arm, from where she had dug her nails into the skin. She was a mess and she only partly blamed Chimney - any other woman probably could have laughed his comment off. They could have taken it for the joke it was probably meant to be. Instead, all she could think about was how boring he must find her.</p><p>He’d probably leave her eventually. She was startled by her own thoughts, even though it wasn’t the first time. She couldn’t help but lift up her top as she got closer to the mirror, only just able to make out the beginnings of a baby bump, but her hips were filling out, her body was starting to change. So, not only was their sex boring, she thought, but now she wasn’t sure she wanted him to see her naked at all. The insecurities were deep-set within her, she could never fully shake them off. But as his words repeated, over and over again in her head, she suddenly wasn’t sure of anything anymore.</p><p>“Don’t ever doubt my love for you.” She jumped when she heard him, quickly turning around to see him leaning against the door frame of their bedroom. How long had he been there? Watching as she stared at her own reflection, silent tears falling down her cheeks.</p><p>It was too late to play it casually but she tried it anyway, “Okay.” She shrugged her shoulders and finally pulled her top down, embarrassed, before she made her way towards the bathroom as per her original plan. He was over to her within seconds though, his hand wrapping around her arm before he pulled her towards him.</p><p>“I need you to listen and to hear me, Madeline.” The use of her full name usually meant he was being serious, and she gulped, “I was stupid. I was trying to play the funny man as per usual, I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying but I should have. I love you, and I’m so sorry. I was - we were talking about marriage, I-I was asking Hen’s advice and it got serious and I got awkward because... wine drunk... and I said something stupid and meaningless because I thought it would make her laugh and I could move on from the topic. And you know what? It doesn’t make sense, I know that but my jokes are never funny.”</p><p>Maddie truly didn’t know what to say, she just sniffed and looked down at the floor, even more embarrassed than she had been a few seconds before. She knew what he was like, how he used humour to alleviate some of the most awkward situations. “I love you. I love having sex with you, I love everything, please... Maddie if you just wanted to do it in one position every time for the rest of our lives, I would be more than happy... especially because...” Chimney trailed off, unsure how he could ever convey what he actuallly meant so Maddie would believe him. His hand dropped from her arm and towards her hips, pushing her back gently until she was against the wall. She hadn’t pushed him away, which he figured was a good sign.</p><p>“Because I’m lucky. I’m so lucky, please.. let me show you.” His voice was slightly pleading, his fingers moving to the bottom of her top before he pulled it over her head. She wasn’t stopping him, so he pressed his lips to her neck, and trailed down until he got to his knees and grinned up at her, his fingers curling around the band of her pyjama bottoms, “Chim...”</p><p>“I’m gonna show you just how non-boring I think you are. Is that okay?” Maddie’s fingers moved to his hair and she looked down at him before she nodded, traces of a smile on her face. The doubt was still lingering, but she could see how sorry he was, the desperation on his face when he thought he’d let her down. “And then we’ll talk later.” His voice was stern that time, as he slid the material down her legs.</p><p>With a pout, Maddie nodded, “Fine.. just... more showing, less telling.” She lightly teased before his lips moved to her inner thigh and she resisted the urge to moan - she was still a little mad, she couldn’t let him win her over quite so easily.</p><p>“Wait... what were you asking Hen’s advice for?”</p>
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